1986 talk in an interview with Mazars Tokyo

Today I had an interview with Bruce from UK who is living in Asia for over 30 years. He told me that his first visit to China was in 1986, there were only 12 restaurants  in Beijing at that time. He asked when was my first time to take a train.I thought for a long time and were not able to jump a answer in the mind.  I told him I was born in a small  village in China. I was the first generation of university student in the family. He asked me how I came along to Tokyo. I said I worked very hard in Unilever and had savings to come to Japan.It was a life goal to change the country to experience another culture and speak another language.

I poured into tears as the interview was all about care,love,connection from an UK man to China starting from 1986 before I was born.

Welcome back the girl who loves to laugh

I was in depression in almost the full year of 2016 because of office politics. Yes, the reality proved I was too weak,too simple,and completely vulnerable.

I abandoned myself for the whole year.

I forgot to have meetup with others, forgot to makeup,forgot to make myself happy,forgot to travel,forgot to enjoy hot spring,forgot to call my parents far away from me  and  didn’t care what happened outside of the world for 365days.

Everyday I woke up very early with the fear of people in the office, and took the train to office, sat in the office for 8hours without speaking excepting the occasions I must speak.

Everyday, I was moving with  the disabled body and broken heart, it must looked like a machine.

Then, the year was finally dropping to an end. I took a 10 day off and flew back to my hometown in China to celebrating the new year with the family.I tried to make myself looking happy or a year without happening anything in departure of Tokyo.

It took a day for moving from Tokyo to my hometown. When I arrived the downstairs of my house,it was very late in the night. Papa who I forgot to call him for a whole year rushed to see me and helped me carried the heavy luggage which full of gifts I bought for the whole family. That the only stuff  I gave them for the whole year on half of their daughter.

When  mum saw me at first sight, she worried so much about pimples on my face.She kept saying let’s go to see doctor tomorrow. I pretended to be nothing and took a shower and went to bed.

During the period spent with my parents, papa was keeping busy about making year-end salary closing with his workers. He kept himself in the room for making year-end consolidation and littered the floor with lots of wastepaper  and  lots of cigarette end. When I sighted the scene, my heart felt sad in deep. He talked little with me as I knew he was disappointed about my whole year without calling him much. Her beloved daughter was  disappeared from his life in 2016.

One day, we had dinner in my aunt house. Papa received a call and he talked very angrily in the phone which was my first time to saw him in such anger.I got to know, it was also a difficult year for him. The father and daughter just hided the difficulties to their own.

Mum kept busying for cooking and buying clothes for me.

I didn’t talk much with them as playing computer all day long as I wanted to save back the whole wasted 2016 in 10 days.

The day back to Tokyo, the luggage was heavy to carry which filled with gifts from mum. The luggage was too small for her to packing,she liked to fill more and more.She gave me beautiful scarf and red pocket when I leaving the door.The young brother sent me to the station in his car. I couldn’t help crying in the backset.I tried to make no sound. The scene he sent me to the station last year was still very clear in my mind, he kept saying you must be back at least once in a year and you must  be back in the new year. But this time, he was quiet.And I got to know he was seeing his sister who always acting very strong in front of him crying without sound. He was growing  big enough to know people’s feelings now.

Yes 2017 it’s a new beginning. And I decide to hug and love myself more and more as I am the treasure for the whole family whoever I am and wherever I live.

Back to  the same office, I am able to speak and laugh with whoever.

Yes, a girl  who loves to laugh is back now after 10 days with the family .

Just as abandoned myself last year, I abandoned all bad memory about the office. And there is only appreciation left for it as it was a great lesson which making me really strong from inside in my life.

I can’t stop laugh all the time as there are so many people care me, love me, support me whatever I am, in depression or delight.

Dive to 2017!

Alone Moments

I am all day alone. Someone is on the mind but I don’t like to message him. This is the special period  for the self to getting to know more about the self.

Even if the moment turns into decade, I will appreciate that as no pure love including any unwillingness.


Hopefully one day we meet again

This is the word Arne text to me today when he is on the way from Tokyo back to Shanghai.We met each other one day ago in a takoyaki party.He is from German and works in Shanghai and on vacation in Tokyo.He talked about everything in his own funny way and it was really a long time that I never met any guy keeping talking and making people laughing.

Tokyo is fashion and rich, but has no too much to do with laugh or happiness. When you are walking on street, people rarely smile.

When looking back for 3 years I lived here today, I feel empty…Yes, I like to hear compliment from a man  “If you were living closer,I would ask to date me. I got the impression you are very smart. I like that”

I send “Text me when you feel lonely in big China”.   Arne repeated “I hope we can catch up one day.”